What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 00:36
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
All the time i was locked up.
Why did my ex replace me so fast?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I have no regrets .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Would this be the day?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I’m 17 and looking for a girl. What do I do?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She found it foreign!.
What are you struggling with in your life? What would you like to have instead?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Why are people nowadays so into anal sex?
We were not on the streets..
I couldn’t, believe it.
But it wasn’t much.
What is the difference between anxiety and depressive neurosis?
When she asked me how she looked .
I write beautiful poetry .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One cannot live in the past .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
What is it like to use a Fleshlight?
I could never make a relationship work though!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Have you ever secretly watched someone while they were doing something private?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im still living with it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So, i spoilt her more .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
What did i know ?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I never cut or harmed myself..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He knew the spot.
I was seconnd youngest,
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Who then, do I blame.?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My family never makes their pension either.
My life is so biszare .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And i lived it daily.
I was scared of men, in general
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I waited trembling.
It was going to be , some day.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Put me off passion for life!!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
This is soul school!.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She loved him until the end.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We all went to grammer schools
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Was to survive, this bastard.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I will be 64.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But, we were locked up after school.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But ive been too sick for many years..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Ive learnt so much.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I said to her
I think the readers, may guess!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was very sick at this time too.
I was 9 years of age.
She married twice! .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
So whats the point in blame.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I don,t even have a pension.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Comes on , in middle age.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She was in good health!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She wouldn,t have been !
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .